Sometimes my partner (an attorney and whole foods nutrition advocate) gets letters from people who want advice about food, or advice about the law. Sometimes both. Here is a real letter that she received in early 2004. Following it is the reply I would've sent had she let me ghost-write a response (the names have been changed to protect the innocent)...

Dear Marsha,

I found your Email on the net along with your resume. I'm writing to you because I thought you may be able to give us a piece of advice.

Today my wife and I went for the first time in 10 yrs to Mc Donalds. We are both vegetarians. We ordered a Veggie burger and after eating half of it we were surprised at the texture and the color, very white. Suspicious, we went back to the fast-food restaurant with our half sandwich. They told us they made a mistake and served us chicken instead. They also say it happens often because the chicken burger box and the vegiie bugrer box look alike. Well, anyways... We have been vegetarian for 10 yrs and we feel violated. My wife feels really upset and she is actually physically sick. Beside, she is breastfeeding and we didn't want our son to ever be exposed to meat eating.

Anyways, do you thinl could look for a compensation? If so, do you know an attorney - vegetarian if possible so that he can undersdand our concers- in the Bay Area?

Thank you so much

Anton Deferrard
Santa Clara CA

Dear Mr. Deferrard:

From the spelling and pronunciation of your name, I can safely assume that you are foreign-born. As a non-native, you are probably unfamiliar with a basic American vegetarian precept. It goes something like this:

Stay the hell out of McDonalds!

I mean it, you melonhead. Real vegetarians don't even go in there to use the freaking toilet! What the freaking hell were you thinking? Let me spell out for you in plain English - and not the French or Belgian or Lichtensteinian with which you are clearly more familiar - why you have completely blown it and find yourself to blame for your wife's vomiting...

First, McDonalds warns quite plainly on its menu - and thus practically guarantees - that their veggie burgers WILL LIKELY come into contact with their meat products. Contrary to your moronic belief, The Home of the Golden Arches is not some sort of idealistic kosher establishment with a grill for dead animals and a separate, safe, hermetically-sealed, rabbinically-overseen, Homeland Security-enforced little veggie mini-grill for over-processed, high-sodium, pre-formed lumps of compressed vegetable detritus. McDonalds doesn't care about you or your quaint, little vegetarian-friendly notions. They simply don't give a rat's ass. (You can, however, occasionally FIND a rat's ass in a McDonalds burger, which is a complaint entirely unrelated to yours.)

Second, the fact that you've given so much thought to your son's health and yet STILL think unnatural, factory-produced abominations like nutrient-devoid veggie patties are going to keep him from an early death, speaks volumes about your narrow-focus preoccupation with saving furry little animals, you pious, PETA-enamored, self-glorifying, foreign dink. Also, please grow up and stop obsessing about what your son eats. You cannot be the frickin' food police 24/7. Eventually peer pressure, socializing in American culture, and McDonalds' own multi-billion dollar marketing budget will corrupt your pristine little clone. Get over yourself. Do the best you can, but lead by EXAMPLE - not by frenzied, sue-happy tunnel vision. Calm the hell down, or I fear I'll someday read this headline:

"Foreign-born Santa Clara Man Shoots Wife, Self When Teen Comes Home Smelling Faintly of McNuggets"

Third, you were pretty quick to consider a lawsuit, weren't you, you classless, unforgiving, food-Nazi bastard? Your inquiry about legal services comes apparently within hours of your accidental chicken-chomping. Nice to know that a puritanical, sin-free, saintly soul like yours - which doubtless believes in the sanctity of animal life while promoting healthy, peaceful lifestyles - can so selflessly forgive an honest burger swapping error made by a hapless, frightened, illegal immigrant making less than minimum wage in a fast food sweatshop. I'm sure the McBucks(TM) you earn from your proposed lawsuit will make you feel better about the restaurant's retribution firing of Senorita Lupé and her subsequent deportation to San Salvador because you bravely pointed out a chain-wide pattern of uncaring disdain for your misguided dietary choices. Yeah, I think we'll all sleep better when you cash that big check, you greedy, opportunistic Euro-creep.

Take some responsibility for your actions, you pitiful, pitiful man. And before you run off to the Supreme Court, please take a hard look at the following:

1. Your vomiting, twitching wife sounds a little high-strung. Is it possible her emotional distress is due to something more deep-seated than a mouthful of chicken parts? A barnyard molestation she suffered as a child, maybe? Do some research. You know Mickey D's lawyers will.

2. Last I checked, veggie burgers do not taste like chicken, and vice frickin' versa. What kind of imbecile would confuse the two to the point that they'd consume HALF the goddamn sandwich before their veggie-sensitive red flag was raised, screaming "bloody murder" into the night? Have a complete physical examination done quickly with a particular emphasis on your malfunctioning taste buds. Please do this long before you have to make the more calamitous taste judgements like dog feces versus Snickers bars.

By now, my sympathy for the pain and suffering you have endured should be apparent. Here are some final thoughts I would like you to highly consider:

1) Get off your vegetarian high horse and take a look at the "big picture" concepts (unchecked globalization; low-wage employment; environmental disaster) that should have kept you from giving dollar one to McDonalds in the first place.

2) Act locally, think globally, and live by positive example to create the peaceful change in the world that you envision.

3) I'm not making any money doing food advocacy, so I've pencilled you in for a consultation next Monday. Let's sue the bastards!

Sincerely,

Marsha Brady, Esquire

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