Many years ago, a writer friend of mine needed help with a story. He asked me to come with a series of intentionally-bad jokes about vampires. I've always hated riddles, so I knocked out half a dozen in this despised format.

What’s undead and drinks the blood of heroin addicts?
SMACKULA

What's undead and drinks it’s own blood?
EGOMANIACULA

What's undead and drinks stolen blood?
KLEPTOMANIACULA

What's undead and drinks blood between meals?
SNACKULA

What's undead and drinks the blood of magpies?
HECKLE AND JECKULA

I thought it would all end there, but for some reason, I showed them to my mother. Which in turn inspired her to write her own lengthy set of vampire riddles - included below for your amusement...

What's undead and...

...eats Asian style?
CHOPSTICKULA

...uses Oriental hand weapons?
NUNCHUKULA

...frequents Japanese singing bars?
KAREOKULA

...can't get a prom date?
GEEKULA

...believes in the universal law of cause and effect?
KARMICULA

...buys random number lottery Tickets?
QUICKPICKULA

...listens to psychedelic 60s music?
ACIDROCKULA

...cheats on his wife?
HANKY-PANKULA

...prefers non-representational art?
ABSTRACULA

...doesn't worry about getting wet?
PRESHRUNKULA

...sleeps around?
PROMISCULA

...takes three-hour lunchbreaks?
GOLDBRICKULA

...never shuts up?
YAKETY-YAKULA

...cuts a dashing figure?
SWASHBUCKULA

...swam across the Rio Grande?
WETBACKULA

...forms special purpose committees?
ADHOCULA

...categorically denies everything?
CONTRADICULA

...gets picked on?
PIPSQUEAKULA

...picks on PIPSQUEAKULA?
ROUGHNECKULA

...complains about everything?
BELLYACHULA

...practices psychiatry?
SHRINKULA

...only eats chemical-free veggies?
ORGANICULA

...totally screwed up?
PIECE-A-WORKULA

...cheers for the Braves?
MILWAUKULA

...likes high-gloss finishes?
SHELLACULA

...can’t be seen with the naked eye?
MOLECULA

...sucks the juice out of frozen desserts?
POPSICULA

...bench presses 400 pounds?
TESTOCULA

...can't remember his own name?
AMNESIACULA

...has seriously impaired vision?
CATARACULA

...wears rubber gloves?
PROCTOCULA

...looks like Brad Pitt?
HUNKULA

...plays Twenty-one?
BLACKJACKULA

...practices medicine without a license?
QUACKULA

...eats at the Golden Arches?
BIGMACULA

...has to have his fangs cleaned every three months?
PLAQULA

...says boo-boo, doo-doo, coochie-coo?
BABYTALKULA

...does a perfect vertical headstand?
PERPENDICULA

...crosses himself before he bites?
GENUFLECULA

...drinks lattes?
STARBUCKULA

...throws no-host parties?
POTLUCKULA

...binges and purges?
UPCHUCKULA

...has a funny haircut?
MOHAWKULA

...is Canadian?
CANUCKULA

...lost 20 pounds of ugly fat in one hour?
LIPOSUCULA

...had a triple bypass?
CARDIACULA

...enjoys day hikes?
KNAPSACKULA

...lives on a dead-end street?
CUL-DE-SACULA

...rides without a saddle?
BAREBACKULA

...lifts wallets on the subway?
PICKPOCKULA

...crosses in the middle of the block?
JAYWALKULA

...uses catalogues instead of toilet paper?
SEARSROEBUCKULA

...paddles his own canoe?
KAYAKULA

...is a sucker for Publisher's Clearinghouse?
SWEEPSTAKULA

...looks for photo opportunities?
KODAKULA

...waves a British flag?
UNIONJACKULA

...is socially inept?
SCHMUCKULA

...wears running shoes?
REEBOKULA

...lives in the Australian wilderness?
OUTBACKULA

...collects small decorative objects?
KNICKKNACKULA

...models for Calvin Klein?
ANORECULA

...is very choosy?
PARTICULA

...uses a lot of slang?
VERNACULA

...has minty fresh breath?
TIC-TACULA

...cleans up after everybody?
IMMACULA

...hangs around army encampments?
BIVOUACULA

...can't control his muscular reflexes?
SPASTICULA

...only comes out on the Fourth of July?
PYROTECHULA

...and makes home improvements?
BLACK AND DECKULA

...and smokes rocks?
CRACKULA

...and runs cross country?
FIELD AND TRACKULA

...and bakes double fudge brownies?
BETTY CROCKULA

...and does old vaudville routines?
FRICK AND FRACKULA

...and has curly hair and tap dances?
SHIRLEY TEMPLE BLACKULA

...and captains a starship?
JAMES T. KIRKULA

…and is KIRKULA’s first officer?
MR. SPOCKULA

...always gives the very best?
HALLMARKULA

...works out on a ski machine?
NORDICTRACKULA

...exaggerates every ache and pain?
HYPOCHONDRIACULA

...more than merely great?
SPECTACULA

...resusitates his own victims?
PARAMEDICULA

...lives out in the sticks?
BOONDOCKULA or
PODUNKULA or
HICKULA

...is running for president?
POLITICULA or
RHETORICULA

...smells like stewed veal shanks?
OSSOBUCULA

...pouts when he can't get his own way?
SULKULA

...rats out dope dealers?
NARCULA

...rats out everybody else?
FINKULA

...has a part-time job at the golf course?
CADDYSHACKULA

...writes silly poetry?
LIMERICKULA

…lives in Alaska?
NANOOKULA

…wears furry boots?
MUKLUKULA

...just finished high school?
MATRICULA

...develops educational programs?
CURRICULA

...ignores educational programs?
EXTRA-CURRICULA

...has acne scars?
POCKMARKULA

...writes Greek biographies?
PLUTARCHULA

...never buys hardcover?
PAPERBACKULA

...has a fishy handshake?
HADDOCKULA

...does short comedy bits?
SCHTICKULA

...is not thoroughly prepared?
HALF-BAKEULA

...rides on other people's shoulders?
PIGGYBACKULA

...likes a Rocky Mountain high?
PIKESPEAKULA

...tells high school-level jokes?
SOPHMORICULA

...needs foot deoderant?
GYMSOCKULA

...is whiter than usual?
ANEMICULA

...is afraid of everything?
PHOBICULA

...is unable to exert any influence?
LAMEDUCKULA

...drives a luxury car?
CADILLACULA

...frequents skid row bars?
HONKYTONKULA

...is totally screwed up?
PIECEAWORKULA

...checks his daily horoscope?
ZODIACULA

...chews teething bicuits?
ZWEIBACHULA

...is not invisible?
OPAQULA

...is one-of-a-kind?
UNIQULA

...is indirect?
OBLIQULA

...goosesteps?
THIRDREICHULA or
SWASTIKULA

...sleeps around?
PROMISCULA or
SKANKULA

...has no backbone?
MOLLUSKULA

...raises Peruvian llamas?
ALPACULA

...craves to be on Broadway?
STAGESTRUCKULA

...is servile?
BOOTLICKULA

...wears readymade capes?
OFF-THE-RACKULA

...wears hand-dyed capes from Java?
BATIKULA

...used to be in a Muscovite militia?
COSSACKULA

...knows the way to San Jose?
WARWICKULA

...composed songs for Warwickula?
BACHRACHULA

BACK TO TOP

BACK to RANTS of ROSS