I used to write for a comic book publisher that specialized in parodies of well-known superheroes. Marvel Comics favorites Chris Claremont (writer) and Frank Miller (artist) had created a four-issue mini-series starring Wolverine - the most famous of the X-Men - that was immensely popular, and I decided to poke fun at the character as well as his creators. Consequently, there are a lot of "in jokes" in this story, but not enough to compromise enjoyment by a general audience.

This final script was approved by the pulisher, but didn't get picked up by the distributor - the only one of over a dozen stories I penned that never saw print. A shame, because I think it's by far my best. The concept of Wolverine being depcted as having fruit juice dispensers instead of metallic claws was the publisher's, and had been established in previous X-Men parodies by this company. It was the only creative constraint put on me, but it served as a springboard for an entire plot based on intrigue in the high-stakes world of the carbonated beverages industry. Every possible pun and sight gag is employed to capitalize on the soda-corporations-at-war concept. This draft retains its notes meant for the artist Bob Hanon.

With apologies to Marvel Comics, here is the lost Wolverine parody...

The Characters

Tangerine: (Wolverine) Real name: Loganberry. He looks just like the real Wolverine, but instead of retracatable claws, he sports retractable straws that dispense a variety of fruit juices.

Lady Maraschino Squashida: (Mariko Yashida) Girlfriend of Tangerine. She is always dressed in traditional Japanese kimono. She is a babe! Except, of course, for the fact that her eyes are permanently crossed. (Bob, it might be cute to have the design of her kimono silk to be a pattern of cherries with stems.)

Lord Ginseng: (Lord Shingen) Father of Maraschino. Appears much as Miller's original. He is a well-built seventy-year-old with absolutely no hair. (Don't worry, we'll get some bald jokes in on this one.)

Nobubu Hei-C: (Noburu-Hideki) Husband to Maraschino. Looks as Miller intended.

Yucchio: (Yukio) Assassin working for Lord Ginseng. She doesn't look like Miller intended. Instead, she looks a heck of a lot like Yoko Ono (Big, wraparound sunglasses; long, straight, black hair, etc.)

Synopsis

The story begins with Tangerine facing off with the power-hungry, soft-drink magnate, Ginseng. They are about to do final battle over the release of Loganberry's beloved Maraschino, the daughter of Ginseng. Loganberry begins to flashback to the how this confrontation began.

Flashback: Tangerine, fresh from a juice-bottlers convention, discovers that his Japanese girlfriend, Lady Maraschino, has been kidnapped by her father, and whisked back to the Land of the Rising SunKist. Loganberry follows after only to find that she has been married off to an another evil soft-drink magnate, Hai-C Nobubu, as a pay-off for an old debt.

Maraschino is bound by honor to stay with Nobubu, but Loganberry attempts a rescue anyway, and fights Ginseng for release of the obligation. He loses, and resigns himself to the fact that he's lost Maraschino. He then meets Yucchio, a beautiful assassin in the employ of Ginseng, sent to kill Loganberry, but who falls in love with him instead. They are both hunted by Ginseng's ninja assassins, and win the battle against the hordes.

In a reflective mood, Tangerine decides that he must try for Maraschino one more time. Yucchio, bound by love, helps him and that brings us to the present battle with Ginseng. In a page of Frank Miller-like captionless, dialogue-less panels, Tangerine defeats the evil father and wins the hand of Maraschino. The end.

TANGERINE
©1993 Ross Turner

PAGE ONE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Splash of Tangerine and Lord Ginseng about to do each other great harm. Tangerine has his adamantium straws bared and dripping juice. He is wearing his costume without the mask. Ginseng, wears a white business suit and is in a menacing posture holding an old-fashioned seltzer bottle. He is about to schpritz our hero. (IMPORTANT: I want this panel to be a freeze-frame of the two about to douse each other. Do not actually show seltzer being schpritzed in Tang's face, etc.)

Caption: The retractable STRAWS in my forearms are messy sometimes, but you wouldn't want to be on the DISPENSING END of 'em.

Caption: It just so happens I'm in the mood to deal some cool, refreshing justice right about now.

Caption: The name's TANGERINE. I'm the best there is at what I do. But, what I do isn't very nice.

Caption: Unless you call dripping soft drink syrup on the upholstery "very nice."

Caption: I don't. And, neither would my cleaning lady.

Caption: My adversary is LORD GINSENG, Japan's leading evil soft drink magnate. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Caption: Time for a recap of the action that leads up to this splash page confrontation.

Caption: Right after we do the obligatory credits.

Titles: Parody Press presents
TANGERINE
ROSS TURNER, writer
BOB HANON, penciller
"MOOSE" BAUMANN, finisher
XXXXXX XXXXXXXX, letterer
DON CHIN, editor
...with heartfelt apologies to Chris Claremont and Frank Miller.

PAGE TWO
PANEL ONE
Scene: A close-up of a B/W snapshot of Lady Maraschino is lying on a tabletop. She is an incredible babe in every way except she has her eyes crossed. This is a full-body snapshot of Maraschino in a miniskirt kimono. She is very well built and thin. Remember...thin. (This is setting up a detail of the story to come later.)

Caption: Maraschino Squashida. She's rich. She's beautiful. She's a nymphomaniac.

Caption: If she owned a PUB, she'd be a Canadian's DREAM WIFE.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Shot of Loganberry. (Note: when I ask for "Loganberry", this is Tangerine out of costume, okay?) He is brooding over the same photo we saw in the last panel.

Caption: When I got home a few nights ago, she was gone. She'd flown back to Japan. I wondered what it was that drove her away. Was it because I'm a MUTANT? A freak?

Caption: Probably not. She used to say that GENETIC ANOMALIES turned her on.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Loganberry broods again.

Caption: Was she intimidated by my super-strong, metal-laced SKELETON?

Caption: No, it had never been a BONE OF CONTENTION before.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Loganberry broods and has extended the straws on his right hand. They drip a little juice.

Caption: What about my juice-dispensing retractable STRAWS? Everybody loves 'em. I'm a hit at parties. What was Maraschino's problem? I had to know.

Caption: Even if it meant going to JAPAN to find out.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Loganberry seated in a window seat of a flight to Tokyo. He looks out the window and absentmindedly sips juice from a single extended straw.

Caption: There was a flight from New York to Tokyo leaving the next morning. I was on it.

SFX: Slurp

PAGE THREE
PANEL ONE
Scene: A worm's eye view of a Japanese castle. It is night. Tangerine (in full costume) stands at its cut stone base which is dominated by an advertising slogan: "Dlink Coca Cora." (Use a Coca Cola-like logo here, please.)

Caption: Japan. Twenty-four hours later.

Caption: The Squashida ancestral stronghold; ancient and venerable. A time-honored bastion of tradition untouched by the commercialism of the modern era.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine is pouring a box of "Kibbles and Bits and Bits and Bits" into dog dish. Three enormous wolf-like dogs stand by. Physically they are menacing-looking, but each is smiling and licking chops over the chow about to be served.

Caption: Quick thinking took care of the watchdogs.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Bird's eye view of Tangerine scaling the stone face of the castle wall. He is using the sticky syrup of his straws to climb. Below him in the half-dark, we see the dogs munching away at the food.

Caption: A thickened SYRUP SOLUTION provided the traction I needed to make short work of the vertical walls.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: The shadowy figure of Tangerine enters the castle. Here we see the traditional rice paper walls and straw mats of the home's interior. Tangerine is tiptoeing in a classic "sneak thief" pose. Behind him, walking in his footprints (and in exactly the same pose as Tangerine) are a line of black-clad ninjas.

Caption: My uncanny mutant SIXTH SENSE signaled "no danger." Trusting my finely-honed INSTINCTS, I proceeded confidently to locate my beloved Maraschino.

PAGE FOUR
PANEL ONE
Scene: Still night. Tangerine (in foreground) is in a Japanese garden. In the background is a huge seated Buddha (drawn straight. No sight gags here, please.) Seated at the statue's base in the shadows is a robed figure. We do not see who it is yet. In fact, it is hard to determine that it is a figure at all.

Caption: I found her in the garden beneath a statue of the BUDDHA. Funny. Last time I was here I called him the biggest FATSO in the world.

Tangerine: Maraschino?

PANEL TWO
Scene: Maraschino has turned around to show that she is no longer the svelte, young babe that Tangerine had known just weeks ago. She is easily 350 pounds. Only her crossed eyes serve to prove that she is indeed the same woman.

Caption: Now, the Buddha had some MAJOR COMPETITION.

Maraschino: <Loganberry-san. You have come at last.>* (LETTERERS NOTE: I am using the < and > to indicate that Japanese is being spoken. This occurs throughout the story. RT)

Caption: *painstakingly translated from the original Japanese. - Ed.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Tangerine questions the now-risen Maraschino. He is strangely drawn to her. She is embarrassed, trying to hide herself in the stretched-out kimono that adorns her.

Tangerine: <Maraschino, what happened? You owe me an EXPLANATION.>

Maraschino: <Loganberry-San, I am married. My father promised my hand to another.>

Tangerine: Never mind that. I meant, how did you get to be such a BLIMPO?

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Maraschino turns away, ashamed.

Maraschino: <They took away my diet Dr. Pepper. How could I maintain my GIRLISH FIGURE without it?>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine turns at the sound of a voice.

Caption: The inevitable interruption came sooner than I anticipated.

Voice: (off panel) Basurumu-wa doko desu-ka, Tangerine-san? (Letterer: This is real Japanese, not a joke language. Please watch the spelling. Thanks. RT)

PAGE FIVE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine has turned to see Lord Ginseng who is already in a fighting stance armed with a wooden samurai sword (This sword might look like it was built by a little kid in his back yard. It should look flimsy, but still have the samurai sword shape). Behind Ginseng stand several black-clad ninja assassins who stand by to watch their master fight Tangerine.

Caption: It was Lord Ginseng; Maraschino's father. Challenge was given. I returned the favor with the customary reply.

Tangerine: <Down the hall and the last door on the left.>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Ginseng rushes at our hero with sword overhead. Tangerine still has not extended his claws, but is ready for the fight. (NOTE: Bob, here's where the Miller style will be particularly effective: the fight scene. Go for it!)

Caption: He was using a bokan - a wooden practice sword. I didn't want to hurt the old man in front of Maraschino. It would have dishonored Ginseng and driven my beloved away from me.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Tangerine successfully blocks Ginseng's blow.

Caption: I wisely decided to toy with him until he wore himself out.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: As Ginseng passes, he strikes again. Tangerine takes a mean sword blow to the back.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine takes a mean blow to the top of the head. Some teeth splinter and fly out of his mouth.

PANEL SIX
Scene: Tangerine takes a mean kick to the face.

PANEL SEVEN
Scene: Tangerine sits in crumpled heap on the ground. He's a mess. He has large bumps on his head and cartoon bandages.

Tangerine: (weakly) <So, Ginseng, had enough?>

PANEL EIGHT
Scene: Blackout panel.

Caption: Everything went dark before he could answer.

PAGE SIX
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine wakes up in a dark alley in downtown Tokyo. He's still dressed in his costume, but his mask is missing. He's a mess.

Caption: I woke up in an alley in downtown Tokyo.

Caption: I'd been in this neighborhood before. It's like the Bronx, but without the charm.

Caption: Not a safe place for a defenseless Canadian who reeks of CHEAP FRUIT PUNCH.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine looks up weakly at a pair of menacing legs in the foreground.

Caption: Uh oh. Trouble.

Caption: That starts with "T," and that rhymes with "V," and that stands for "Vicious-street-hood-about-to-kick-my-butt."

PANEL THREE
Scene: A hand reaches down and grabs Tangerine by the collar.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: The "vicious street hood" is revealed to be Yoko Ono look-alike Yucchio, who plants a wet one on the lips of our hero. Tangerine looks waaaaaay surprised.

Caption: Or it starts with "T," and that rhymes with "B," and that stands for "Babe lickin'-the-sweat-offa-my-tonsils."

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Yucchio walks away carrying a grinning Tangerine over her shoulder.

Caption: Hubba hubba.

Caption: To be continued...

PAGE SEVEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: A birds-eye close-up of Tangerine. He is in costume, but wears no mask. He has just slain two dozen trained assassins (who we do not see). He is still in a defensive pose, as if expecting more trouble.

Titles: Tangerine

Titles: Chapter Two

Caption: The name's Tangerine. I'm a superhero by trade; a killer by training; and a soda jerk when I gotta pay the rent. Today, I'm just confused.

Caption: Since I got to Japan 36 hours ago, I've been beaten up by an eighty-six-year-old SAMURAI, seduced by a MYSTERY WOMAN (who unfortunately looks a heck of a lot like Yoko Ono), and lost my one and only true love to another man.

Caption: How could it possibly get more OUTRAGEOUS than that?

PAGE EIGHT
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine in the same pose as last page, but we have pulled back to reveal him standing in the midst of a pile of hooded assassins, all dead. Tangerine's straws drip juice as if it were blood. Behind him stands Yucchio.

Yucchio: <How about if you squirted two dozen armed men to death with ORANGE CRUSH?>

Tangerine: <THAT could be more outrageous.>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine has put his straws away. He faces Yucchio.

Tangerine: <By the way, while we were rollin' in the hay last night, I forgot to ask you somethin'.>

Yucchio: <If I had PROTECTION? If I had any sexually-transmitted DISEASES?>

Tangerine: <No. If you had a NAME. I'm gettin' tired of callin' you "Hey, you.">

PANEL THREE
Scene: Yucchio explains it all.

Yucchio: <My name is YUCCHIO. I have an incredible crush on you, but paradoxically will do anything to help you save Maraschino from the clutches of her father, Lord Ginseng.>

Tangerine: <I will let you help me. But, remember, I can never give you my HEART.>

Yucchio: <Heart schmart. I just want your lemon-scented BOD.>

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Tangerine motions toward the assassins.

Tangerine: <What about these guys? Were they ASSASSINS sent to kill you for betraying Ginseng?>

Yucchio: <Actually, these guys were only COLLEGE STUDENTS selling Samurai® brand kitchen knives door-to-door. I've never seen them before in my life.>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Yucchio and Tangerine sneaking away.

Tangerine: <I think I just crossed the fine line over to SENSELESS VIOLENCE.>

Yucchio: <As opposed to what? The SENSIBLE kind?>

PAGE NINE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Establishing shot of a high-rise building in downtown Tokyo. Daylight.

Caption: Interlude

Caption: Lord Ginseng's corporate headquarters

Voice: (emanating from a top floor window) <Yucchio, I did not summon you. I don't think I've summoned you. Summoning you is something I believe I did not do. Summon you? Never!>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Lord Ginseng (now in his business suit) is standing in front of a mirror practicing what he will say to Yucchio.

Ginseng: <No. Definitely no summoning. I am not a summoning kind of guy.>

Yucchio: (off panel) Ginseng-san.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Ginseng turns to see Yucchio.

Ginseng: <I did not summon you, Yucchio. Why are you here?>

Yucchio: <To get answers to a few questions. Like, why did you KIDNAP Maraschino and force her to marry Nobubu Hai-C? And, why are you using me to SEDUCE Tangerine? And, why is it stereotypical Japanese crime-lords are always BALD?>

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Ginseng hands Yucchio a book titled The Plotting Preferences of Chris Claremont. He explains...

Ginseng: <The answers are all in this book. I will paraphrase. First, by kidnapping Maraschino, I lured Tangerine to Japan to perform tasks that even my highly-trained and overpaid HENCHMEN cannot do.>

Ginseng: <You are seducing him to gain his CONFIDENCE, Yucchio. It is your job to convince Tangerine that the only way to save Maraschino is to KILL my arch rival, PEPSIYORI. With his demise, I shall have a corner on the Japanese soft drink empire, which is the first step toward WORLD COLA DOMINATION.>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Ginseng continues

Ginseng: <Tonight, Nobubu and Maraschino will visit Pepsiyori as my emissaries on a errand of peace. Pepsiyori will not expect treachery with my DAUGHTER there. Then is when you must strike.>

PANEL SIX
Scene: Yucchio asks a question. Ginseng has a knowing smile.

Yucchio: <I will do your bidding, milord.>

Yucchio: <But, you still haven't told me why you shaved your head?>

Ginseng: <I got the idea from Patrick Stewart. Have you seen all the BABES that cue-ball gets?>

PAGE TEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Yucchio and Tangerine (in costume without mask) in the rafters above the audience of a kabuki theater. Below, the house is empty except for three persons: Nobubu Hai-C, Maraschino and Pepsiyori. They sit in the first row. The stage is set, but the show has not started yet.

Caption: That night...

Caption: Yucchio and I managed to sneak into Pepsiyori's private KABUKI THEATER. The only patrons that night were Pepsiyori , Nobubu Hei-C and, of course, Maraschino-chan.

Tangerine: <Are you sure that by killin' this Pepsiyori guy, I'll get Maraschino back?>

Yucchio: <Have I ever lied to you before?>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Yucchio and Tangerine still in rafters. This time a worm's eye view with Maraschino in the foreground, unaware of the action overhead.

Tangerine: <Well...last night you said you were a VIRGIN.>

Yucchio: <As terrible as I am in bed, how can I be anything else but?>

Tangerine: <Wow. Honest AND self-effacing. I believe you.>

Yucchio: <Shhh. The play is about to start.>

PANEL THREE
Scene: A shot of the stage with some kabuki characters in full traditional costume. This play features several samurai warriors who will (in an upcoming panel) try to do harm to our hero. For right now, they stand in stylized poses.

Caption: I knew the play well. It wasn't the best STAGING I'd ever seen, and it was more than a little OVER-DIRECTED. The lead actor put too much emphasis on the SUBTEXT and internalized to an obvious degree.

Caption: The SET DESIGN was minimalist in a Brechtian sense, while the COSTUMING was rather garish and obtrusive. And, the lighting was underutilized to the point of being NONEXISTENT.

Caption: Other than that, it was a GOOD SHOW.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Close-up of Tangerine making a realization.

Caption: Suddenly, I realized something was AMISS. And, it wasn't just the bad directing.

Caption: The lead actor was going for his sword THREE PAGES before the fight scene. He was going to kill Nobubu...and Maraschino!

PANEL FIVE
Scene: The actor, sword overhead, leaps off the stage toward the cowering Nobubu and Maraschino. Tangerine (straws extended) leaps toward the assassin from a few rows behind the two.

Caption: This guy was good. He'd obviously watched his share of KUROSAWA movies.

PAGE ELEVEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine squirts a stream of juice from his extended straws. It splashes on the floor in front of the approaching assassin.

Caption: I countered his attack.

PANEL TWO
Scene: The assassin slips violently in the syrupy mess.

Assassin: Kuso!

PANEL THREE
Scene: Another half dozen actor/assassins approach with swords drawn.

Caption: The rest of the company moved to avenge their leader. I'd rarely seen such DEVOTION amongst actors before.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Tangerine rushes toward his foes, eager for the fight.

Caption: This was going to be easy. Everyone knows what a bunch of PANSIES theatre-folk are.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine splashes the first two assassins in the chest with juice. They flail wildly from the high pressure.

PAGE TWELVE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine grabs two bananas (one in each hand) off of his boots.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine aims the bananas like they were six-shooters.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Tangerine squeezes the peels, propelling the fruit of each banana into the faces of two more assassins. Meanwhile, another assassin approaches stealthily from behind.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Tangerine doesn't turn, but simply aims a single straw over his shoulder. He takes a blind shot and hits the assassin square in the throat. He reels.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Pepsiyori makes a run for the door.

Caption: As I took care of business, Pepsiyori made a hasty exit.

Pepsiyori: <My plot to kill Nobubu has failed. I'm outta here!>

PAGE THIRTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Outside. Pepsiyori is running toward his car. In background, Yucchio stands by. She speaks.

Yucchio: <Hey, Pepsiyori! I should warn you that GM has recalled your car because of a faulty IGNITION SWITCH.>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Inside the car, Pepsiyori is putting the key in the ignition.

SFX: Click

PANEL THREE
Scene: The car blows up in a big old explosion.

SFX: K-BLAMMO!

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Yucchio looks at the flaming wreckage.

Yucchio: <Bet that's the last time he buys AMERICAN.>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine stands slightly crazed and triumphant, hunched over, exhausted yet ready for more action should it come.

Caption: Meanwhile, inside...

Caption: The scrap is over. I'm CRAZED by the thrill of victory. My body is pungent with the heady stench of PERSPIRATION and SARSAPARILLA. I love it. Then, I remember...

PANEL SIX
Scene: A shot of Maraschino. She covers her mouth, awed and frightened by the violent scene she has just witnessed.

Caption: Maraschino.

Maraschino: <I have never seen this side of you, Loganberry-San I am AGHAST. I am HORRIFIED.>

PANEL SEVEN
Scene: Maraschino walks away in the background. Tangerine stands dejected, head hanging, body leaning against a wall in foreground.

Maraschino: <I need a COKE.>

Caption: If I hadn't lost her before, I'd lost her now.

Caption: I wondered why Fate had dealt me this CRUEL BLOW. I wondered what I could have said or done that would have changed this OUTCOME.

Caption: But, mostly I wondered what YUCCHIO was doing later that night.

Caption: To be continued...

PAGE FOURTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Loganberry (in street clothes, remember?) stands with a large sumo wrestler clinging to his back. The wrestler is dressed (or undressed, as the case may be) in the traditional loincloth of the sumotori. He is, of course, very fat and wears his lacquered hair in a topknot.

Title: Tangerine

Title: Chapter Three

Caption: You all know my NAME already. I've told you at the top of every chapter in this ridiculous story.

Caption: And, you already know about my metal SKELETON and my juice-squirtin' retractable STRAWS. I don't need to go into all that crap again.

Caption: In fact, I could have ended this tale back on PAGE TWELVE. Boy gets girl. Boy gets into a series of captionless, Frank Miller-esque fight sequences. Boy loses girl. End of story. Then, I remembered...

Caption: We hadn't done any GRATUITOUS NUDITY yet.

Caption: That's where FATSO here comes in.

PAGE FIFTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: A rear-end shot of the sumotori on Loganberry's back. We see a great deal of the crack of his ass.

Superimposed title at bottom of panel: Official Tangerine Butt-Cam

PANEL TWO
Scene: A long shot of the wrestler still on Loganberry's back. We now see that we are in a bar. Many patrons (mostly men) are cheering the fight. In the crowd, we see Yucchio.
Caption: His name is Tackyhashi. He's a professional wrestler, a sumotori. It's an ancient Japanese word that means, "One-who-gets-paid-to-run-around-in-his-underpants."

PANEL THREE
Scene: A medium shot. Loganberry now has Tackyhashi in a position over his head. Tacky's face hangs upside down in front of Loganberry's. Their faces are close together. Loganberry grins.

Caption: I had a HUNDRED BUCKS riding on this match. The object was to get the other guy to BACK DOWN.

Caption: I was determined to win. And, when I'm determined NOTHING can distract me.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: A close-up. Tacky's nose is now touching Loganberry's forehead. They are eye-to-eye. Loganberry grins. No dialogue.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Same close-up as last panel. Tacky speaks. Loganberry's jaw drops.

Tackyhashi: Watakushi-wa anata-o aishimasu.*

Caption: *Not translatable in a family magazine - ed.

PAGE SIXTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Loganberry has grabbed Yucchio by the arm and is leading her toward the door. He throws a handful of dollars over his shoulder towards the grinning, appreciative Tackyhashi.

Tangerine: <C'mon, Yucchio. Let's get out of here.>

Yucchio: (confused) <What did he...?>

Tangerine: <I don't want to talk about it.>

PANEL TWO
Scene: A t the door. Behind Yucchio and Loganberry a triumphant Tacky holds up his hundred dollars to a cheering crowd.

Tangerine: <Let's just say the JUICE in my straws isn't the only thing FRUITY in this bar, okay?>

PANEL THREE
Scene: Outside, on the street we get a bird's eye view of Loganberry and Yucchio walking. On the rooftop in foreground, we see the dark shapes of black-clad ninja assassins. They are lying in wait.

Caption with arrow pointing to the ninjas: More assassins! Is this book one big FIGHT SEQUENCE, or what? - ed.

PAGE SEVENTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: The ninjas drop off the roof and and into the path of Loganberry and Yucchio. One of them speaks.

Tangerine: What the...?

Ninja Leader: Yucchio!

PANEL TWO
Scene: Loganberry pushes Yucchio behind himself to protect her.

Ninja Leader: <You have not killed Tangerine as you have been ordered to do. You have DISOBEYED Lord Ginseng for the last time. Now, you will DIE.>

PANEL THREE
Scene: Loganberry has a quizzical look on his face as he continues to face the assassins.

Tangerine: <You...you mean she works for Ginseng? She's been settin' me up all along?>

Yucchio: (from behind) <Yeah, right. As if you didn't have a MAJOR CLUE.>

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Tangerine stares down the ninjas. He appears to still be protecting Yucchio.

Tangerine: <Put your swords away, assassins. You'll draw none of Yucchio's blood tonight.>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine turns abruptly and raises a strawed hand to strike Yucchio. She is very worried about this.

Tangerine: <Leave that job to ME!>

Yucchio: <Yikes.>

PAGE EIGHTEEN
PANEL ONE
Scene: Yucchio makes a run for it. Loganberry starts to give chase.

Caption: She bolted. I started to give chase.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Same angle as last panel. The swarm of ninjas gives chase, trampling Loganberry in their haste.

Caption: Unfortunately, twenty ninja assassins had the same idea.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Loganberry in a crumpled heap on the ground. He has large bumps on his head and cartoon bandages.

Caption: I couldn't believe it. Betrayed by Yucchio. Why the heck does this stuff always happen to me?

Caption: I could blame YUCCHIO for lying to me. I could blame MYSELF for being such a schmuck. I could blame the REPUBLICANS for twelve years of Reaganomics.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Loganberry is standing up now. He is clenching his fists and and raising his face to the heavens. This is a very dramatic and pivotal and climactic panel.

Caption: But the REAL BLAME fell on Lord Ginseng.

Caption: His MANIPULATIONS had taken from me the woman I loved. His PLOTTING had nearly taken my life. Now, I would take something from him.

Caption: I would make him feel the same LOSS he had heartlessly inflicted on me. I would take that which he PRIZED above all other things in this vast universe.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: This is a small panel just big enough for this last caption.

Caption: As soon as I figured out what it was, he was going to be in BIG-DOODY TROUBLE.

PAGE NINETEEN
PANEL ONE
Titles: Tangerine

Titles: Chapter Four

Scene: A shot of a Lound Table Pizza van speeding through a Japanese city.

Caption: His name is TANGERINE.

Caption: He's a MUTANT by birth; able to heal his body's wounds incredibly fast.

PANEL TWO
Scene: The van drives toward the not-too-distant castle stronghold of Lord Ginseng.

Caption: In addition, he's got a skeleton laced with a METALLIC ALLOY that renders his bones virtually UNBREAKABLE.

PANEL THREE
Scene: A bird's eye view from the roof of the castle. The van is stopping outside a gate below.

Caption: On top of that, he's got metal STRAWS embedded in his forearms that dispense soft drinks at his MENTAL COMMAND.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: A shot of a uniformed Lound Table driver carrying a pizza box down a paper-screened corridor of the castle. Guards in black business suits stand by with machine guns cradled in their arms. They pay only passing attention to the driver.

Caption: And, on top of THAT, he's got a HAIRSTYLE that's scarier than Patti LaBelle's.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: The driver walks up toward a big wooden office door. Two more machine gun-toting, business-suited guards stand at this door. One guard silently raises his hand as if to halt the delivery guy at the door.

Caption: Separately, each is a formidable attribute. But, together...

Caption: ...they make for one heck of a GIMMICKY SUPERHERO, don't you think?

PAGE TWENTY
PANEL ONE
Scene: The pizza guy approaches Lord Ginseng who is studying a map of the castle and grounds. Ginseng is dressed in a white suit (same as page one). He doesn't look up when spoken to by the pizza guy. Nearby are Maraschino and Nobubu.

Delivery Guy: <Pizza for Lord Ginseng!>

Ginseng: <The money's on the table. Leave the pizza there.>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Lord Ginseng looks at map.

Ginseng: <The MOAT has been filled, the GUARD DOGS are in place, and two hundred ninja ASSASSINS are at their posts. Tangerine can't approach the castle without my knowing about it.>

Ginseng: <The only way he could get in is to hide inside a PIZZA BOX and be delivered under my nose.>

PANEL THREE
Scene: Shot of the pizza box sitting on a table.

Tangerine: Uh oh.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Nobubu hears this and pulls a gun, holding it to Maraschino's head.

Nobubu: <Tangerine! Come out of that pizza box or Maraschino gets it!>

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Close-up of Nobubu's grimacing face as he gets it in the back with three throwing stars.

SFX: THINK THANK THUNK

Caption: Three THROWING STARS shot out of the darkness.

PANEL SIX
Scene: Nobubu lies dead on the floor. Maraschino looks down at her slain husband. In foreground, we see Yucchio. See looks on, holding a fourth throwing star.

Maraschino: <Eeyoo. Gross.>

Caption: Good old Yucchio.

PAGE TWENTY-ONE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Tangerine climbs out of the pizza box aided by Yucchio. (Yes, it is physically impossible for him to have fit in that little box. But, this is the comics. Anything is possible.) He is dressed in his costume but without the mask. Tangerine offers reluctant thanks.

Tangerine: Domo.

Yucchio: <You're welcome. >

Yucchio: <Not mad at me anymore?>

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine and Yucchio. Maraschino stands in background a little peeved at the sight of the two of them together. Her hands on hips.

Tangerine: <No. But, you'd better get out of here before I put you over my knee.>

Yucchio: <Promises, promises.>

PANEL THREE
Scene: Tangerine in a reflective pose.

Caption: A s quickly as she appeared, she was gone. Guess she couldn't leave without one more glimpse of her Canadian LOVE GOD.

Caption: Yeah, I know. What an ego, huh?

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Lord Ginseng in his cola museum room. Here we see advertising signs, bottles of cola in glass cases, soda machines. The room is a shrine to the soft drink industry. He has opened a glass display case and is hefting a seltzer bottle (The same bottle as seen in page one).

Caption: Meanwhile, a desperate man readied himself for BATTLE.

Caption: I was bringing Ginseng and his evil empire to its knees. And he was THIRSTY for revenge.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine stands at the door of the museum, straws bared. Ginseng stands facing him, seltzer bottle aimed. This is similar to the page one splash, but toned down quite a bit. Not as flashy. More dark and with plenty of atmosphere.

Caption: Deja vu.*

Caption: *See page one - ed.

PAGE TWENTY-TWO
PANEL ONE
Scene: Ginseng fires a schpritz of seltzer.

SFX: Splisssssh.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Tangerine dodges the spray by leaping toward the floor, and the seltzer water strikes a Point of Purchase display of cola cans, knocking them in all directions.

SFX: Crash

PANEL THREE
Scene: Tangerine, still in the middle of his leap to the floor, fires off a round of juice spray from his straws.

SFX: Sploosh

PANEL FOUR
Scene: The spray knocks the seltzer from Ginseng's hand and knocks him down.

Ginseng: Arrgh!

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Bird's eye view of Tangerine and Ginseng both lying on floor amidst the scattered cans from the display.

PANEL SIX
Scene: Shot showing Tangerine and Ginseng each picking up a loose soda can off of the floor. They each have the same idea.

PAGE TWENTY-THREE
PANEL ONE
Scene: Close-up of Tangerine's hand shaking his can up.

SFX: shake shake shake

PANEL TWO
Scene: Close-up of Ginseng's hand shaking his can up.

SFX: shake shake shake

PANEL THREE
Scene: Shot of both Tangerine and Ginseng pulling the tabs on their sodas and aiming the spray at one another.

SFX: Spiiiiissssh.

PANEL FOUR
Scene: Very wet Tangerine and Ginseng leap at each other. Each grabbing the other's shirt front.

PANEL FIVE
Scene: Tangerine sticks a single dripping straw in open mouth of Ginseng.

Tangerine: <Still thirsty?>

PANEL SIX
Scene: Tangerine looks away as Ginseng is drowned in a highly-pressurized spray of juice. We do not see the gore. Only the splash of juice from off panel.

SFX: Sploosh

Ginseng: (off panel) Arrgh - gurgle

Caption: The end came quickly, but it wasn't pretty. Ever give a chicken an ENEMA with a FIRE HOSE?

Caption: You get the idea.

PAGE TWENTY-FOUR
PANEL ONE
Scene: The museum. The room is dark and moody. Tangerine stands in the foreground. His head hangs. In the background, the museum door stands open. The silhouette of Maraschino is framed in the light from the hall outside.

Caption: Ginseng was dead; a victim of the same fruit-flavored soft drinks he sought to control. What cruel irony. The Squashida evil cola empire soon collapsed, leaderless and without direction. I'd saved Maraschino and in the process, preserved free trade for the world's cola manufacturers.

Caption: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

PANEL TWO
Scene: Same shot as panel one. Tangerine now looks back toward Maraschino who has crossed halfway to him. She is still in shadow, backlit by the light from the open doorway.

Caption: And, so another great CHALLENGE is met and I beat the odds yet again. It doesn't seem possible with all I've been through in the past week, that any other situation could prove as uncertain, as threatening, as DANGEROUS.

PANEL THREE
Scene: Same shot as panels one and two. Maraschino is now out of shadow. One hand is on her hip. The other is wielding a oversized rolling pin and is connecting it with Tangerine's skull. He winces in pain and grits his teeth. Eyes squeezed shut. Little cartoon stars shoot out from the top of his head.

Maraschino: <Okay, buddy. Who the @#$! is this YUCCHIO BROAD!?>

Caption: Of course, I could be wrong.

END

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