This is a real letter I sent to Armida Winery (a real vineyard in Sonoma County, California) in response to their bizarre product packaging: a casket-shaped box used for their Poizin Zinfandel wine.

I have yet to receive a reply...

Armida Winery
Healdsburg, California

Dear Sirs:

I'm certain that your marketing people were quite amused by the concept of putting your Poizin(TM) brand Zinfandel wine in little cardboard coffins, however, this tasteless merchandising ploy had some very disturbing consequences for me and my family.

The shape and size of the wine "casket" was frighteningly similar to the coffin used for my recently-deceased pet guinea pig, Mr. Caesar. At Mr. Caesar's wake last month, I had invited those who had known her best: my mother, my sister and cousin Matt, our family priest Father Duggray, and Hillary Clinton (different Hillary Clinton).

Mr. Caesar's casket (again, I should point out, remarkably similar to your Poizin box) was laid upon a catafalque of black crepe. After each guest had paid their respects, a small celebration of Mr. Caesar's life (complete with slide show and taped recordings of some of her funnier squeals) began near where my furry deceased friend lay in state. Hors'douevres were put out and some mourners had brought little somethings to eat or drink as we talked of things Caesarian.

Suddenly, a strong wind came through the door and blew the catafalque and casket to the ground. The coffin landed closed (thank the Maker), but on its way to the ground, it upset the food table as well. CheezWhiz and crackers and sunflower seeds (Mr. Caesar's favorite) fell in a tumble along with (as we later learned) a boxed and unopened bottle of your Poizin beverage. In the haste to set things right, our Bolivian maid, Humberta - not mindful or concerned with the traditions of her adopted land - picked up the closed casket and placed it on the righted food table. In our angst, we didn't notice the difference as we gingerly and unknowingly placed the Poizin box on the catafalque.

Flash forward to three weeks after the funeral, and imagine our consternation and upset when the supposed "bottle of Poizin" (which we never opened, but rather opted to donate to Father Duggray's parish wine auction) wound up being purchased in a spirited bidding war by Hillary Clinton (the real senator). She apparently later suffered some sort of seizure or stroke when she personally opened her supposed "bottle of Zinfandel" at a state dinner honoring Nelson Mandela (different Nelson Mandela).

Upon tracing the donated "wine" back to me, the Secret Service, FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms have all made strong cases for my supposed "assassination attempt" on the liberal senator. The government of South Africa (different South Africa) has also lodged a complaint with the U.S. State Department.

Needless to say, I am convinced that my Federal detention and upcoming kangaroo trial - a face-saving measure to placate the irate South Africans - would not have come to pass had your graphic designer made better (and less funereal) choices when designing your wine's packaging. While it is too late to save me (or so my state-appointed attorney says), I write this only to warn you of the possible future consequences of your marketing efforts. I might further caution you, that your recent plans to ship Gewurtztraminer in small urns for the holidays should be rethought.

Sincerely,
Ross Turner
Federal Penitentary, Winona, Utah

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