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CROSSING GUARD 17 JULY 2004 Hello. I'm back from another self-imposed
hiatus. What's nice about this one is that it didn't involve psychotherapy
or obsessively oiling my gun. I don't want to characterize my recent
absence from the comedy scene as being the result of a mental breakdown.
That's really for the courts to decide. But, things HAVE been slow,
and I'm trying to remain upbeat. Thanks for all your concerned letters.
They've helped a lot. I'm seeing now that it's important to look forward;
not back. Looking back is counterproductive. Plus, it endangers children
who may be in the crosswalk in front of you. Which, by the way, is not
an admission of guilt. I continue to maintain my innocence in sworn
affidavits. I still don't recall how those kids from Lakeview School's
special education class became imbedded in my windshield. But, I am
confident that the negligent party(ies) will be brought to swift justice
after resolution of my various lawsuits against the windshield manufacturer,
Honda Corporation of America, and Auto Glass Installers Union Local
53. By the way, did you know
that "crossing guard" isn't even a publically-elected position?
You can't VOTE a crossing guard out of office. No matter what crazy
things they say in the public media and in court depositions about the
way one person or another drives their car! It's nuts. I thought we
lived in a democracy, but I guess the terrorists have won after all! And another thing: apparently
there's NO UPPER AGE LIMIT for those who serve as crossing guards! I
was fuming when I discovered this. Amazingly, elderly crossing guards
-- with statistically poorer memories and eyesight -- are even allowed
to testify in court against innocent, law-abiding citizens who are selflessly
fighting the good fight against nefarious and corrupt glass installers.
I know you are as outraged as I am, but there's more... Apparently, ANYONE is free
to simply VOLUNTEER to be a crossing guard -- willy-nilly, catch as
catch can! Think about this. A job that pays NO money and offers NO
benefits or chances for advancement, and yet unemployed lone drifters
are lining up in droves for the opportunity. Why? The only possible
answer is that it allows them to hold hands with children! There, I
said it. Oh, they say it's part of the job, but real Americans know
better. And, really, it's the irony that just twists my gut: child molesters
with stop signs! Stop, indeed. Stop touching our children in public,
is what I say! You know, if my recent
legal problems have taught me anything, it's that true justice isn't
served by "discovering" who did or didn't have the right of
way, or how many retarded children were found in my garage still writhing
in my shattered windshield. Real justice is served when lying, elderly,
infirm, transient child molesters are shown for what they really are:
enemies of freedom and members of the Axis of Evil. God bless America. Copyright 2004 Ross Turner
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