I am a member of an opinion think tank that is periodically called upon to chime in on the earth-shattering issues of the day for a regular San Francisco Chronicle column called "Two Cents". Herein are the questions - and my smart-ass answers - that apparently affect Californians the most...

Any good or bad memories of the Grateful Dead?

The worst possible experience a person could have at a Grateful Dead concert is if their drugs never take effect and they have to sit through the entire mundane and overrated show without a buzz on.

Has the Barry Bonds steroids scandal changed your mind about his accomplishments?

The only "scandal" is that too many people care about grown men chasing balls, pucks and spheres around an arena, making Barry Bonds' over-reported "performance" newsworthy at all! I say: let's first cure cancer, AIDS, war and poverty. THEN, you can all go outside and play ball. Priorities, people, priorities.

Would you pay to have your pet cloned?

I don’t love my cat because of her markings and eye color. I love her for her unique personality, which is not a cloneable asset. People who plan on cloning their pets are sad, selfish and deluded about the outcome. Take those thousands of dollars in cloning fees and give them to the local animal shelter, for God’s sake.

Do you feel safe on BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit)?

Safe from what? Safe from muggings? Yes. Safe from Madrid-style bombings? Yes. Safe from urine on the Powell Street platform? No. Safe from double-wide baby carriages on rush-hour trains? No. Safe from cyclists blocking the doors? Safe from stalls in the Transbay Tube? Safe from power outtages? Safe from the Doritos Diet lady taking up two seats? Safe from that guitar-playing homeless guy at Civic Center who only knows two chords? No, no, no, no and no. After putting up with all that, a mugging would be a vacation.

At what age should a child have a cellphone?

Any age as long as they have successfully passed a mandatory etiquette workshop. I'd happily write the curriculum in which kids would be taught to turn off their frickin' William Tell Overture ringers in public, and stop making me eavesdrop on important conversations like "So, what are you doing?" and "Nothin'. Just hangin' out."

Should John Kerry pick John McCain as his running mate?

McCain would be great, but I think Cheney would be better. A Kerry/Cheney ticket is just the thing America needs to obliterate the already indiscernable line between Democrats and Republicans. Cheney could be Bush's running mate, too. That way, no matter which party wins the election, Cheney still gets to be president.

Should California ban minors from tanning salons?

How can the State consider saving a relative handful of white, middle-class, cancer-prone teens, when the childhood obesity epidemic - disproportionately burdensome to kids of color - is out of control!? If legislators want to save some California minors, how about the tens of thousands at risk for diabetes, high cholesterol and early heart disease?

Do you agree with Larry Bird? Does the NBA need more white superstars?

I don't know who Larry Bird is, but it shocks me that anyone would be interested in his quasi-racist opinions on white basketball players. Is this really one of the nation's thorniest dilemmas? Last I checked, AIDS has yet to be cured and Bush is still in the White House. The only thing the NBA needs is a lower slot on our priorities list.

Do you sing to — or play music for — your pet?

I used to sing to my cat. Then, she ran away. Unclear if there was any correlation there.

Have you ever seen a film that influenced the way you voted in an election?

In 1980, I saw The Final Countdown in which a nuclear aircraft carrier goes back in time to preempt Pearl Harbor. It was preposterous, Americentric, and so disgustingly glorified the military, that it inspired me to vote for the relatively pacifistic Jimmy Carter. Reagan was elected and he wound up starring in the sequel for the next 8 years.

Should 'America the Beautiful' replace 'The Star-Spangled Banner' as the national anthem? Why or why not?

Our current anthem is neck-deep in angry nationalism - an Americentric concept that only becomes "popular" when we're trying to kick some other country's ass. The way that song is sung lately has kept me away from every Giants game since the war began. In general, we could all use a little less "bombs bursting in air" and more "crown our good with brotherhood", don'cha think?

What are the advantages of being male? Of being female?

The male advantages are concentrated muscle mass, relative height and weight superiority, higher center of gravity, physical prowess, facial hair, oil company ownership, presidential privilege, warmongering, wage dominance, sexual aggression, and the hunting to extinction of furry animals. Makes you want to upgrade to a less prominent organ, doesn't it?

Has your share of the cost of health-care provided by your employer increased recently? If so, what impact has that had on your budget?

Starting in October, I will have to pay half the premium. This is in addtion to the recent doubling of my co-payments, and the discovery that my plan's previously free services (x-ray and lab tests) now require co-pays. This has impacted my budget to the extent that if I get sick, it's really best if I go directly to the morgue.

What is your generation’s biggest contribution?

I share a birth year with Heather Lockyear, Fabio and Scott Baio. My generation's biggest contribution is talent, talent, talent.

Should there be barriers between baseball players and fans?

It would be wrong to erect barriers between the overpaid "grown-ups" whose sole talent is tossing a sphere, and the drunken "adults" whose ticket money would be better spent on anger management therapy. Instead of barriers, let's seat the fans IN the dugouts and give EVERYBODY chairs and cleats. I'd actually buy a television to watch that.

How much would you pay to venture into space?

I'd rather save all that money and buy something special with it - like a small country.

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